3 Tips for How to Talk So People Will Listen
Psychological strategies to help you talk so people will pay attention, and more importantly, listen to you.
All of us hope that when we talk, other people will listen to us. We want to feel acknowledged, heard and most importantly, understood. But the reality is that many of us struggle to know how to talk so people will listen. Ask any parent and they will vouch that it is a miracle when their child pays attention to what they are saying. Ask most employees and they will say the same about their managers. Despite our desire to be listened to, we often lack the confidence and authority to know how to talk so people will listen.
As a psychologist, I am in a line of work where being able to communicate in such a way that people listen is of great importance. My role is to help people understand their psychological struggles and then guide them to improve and overcome their issues. With years of practice, I’ve developed some good skills that I utilise in therapy, to capture the listening attention of my clients. I also teach these communication strategies to my clients, to help them communicate more clearly, honestly and effectively in their own lives and relationships. Here are my top 3 tips for how to talk so people will listen.
#1 Use a Communication Model for Difficult Conversations
There are certain conversations that we would all rather avoid. Difficult chats with our partner, disciplining our children, negotiating a pay-rise at work or confronting a bully in our lives.
When it comes to these uncomfortable conversations, it can be difficult to find the right words to say. As we gear up for the conversation, we might notice our fight-flight-freeze system is at work and our anxiety is increasing. The blood starts pumping to our chest, resulting in a faster heart rate, breathlessness, redness in our face and sweating.
The result of our sympathetic nervous system being activated is that our body is in survival mode, and so our minds either go blank or our thoughts become muddled and incoherent. When it comes to saying what we need to say, the outcome is then a jumbling mess of words, or losing the ability to speak altogether.
In therapy, I often prepare my clients for such moments, by teaching them a communication model. Communication models provide a helpful structure to fall back on when our anxiety is getting the better of us. They allow us to clearly define what we want to say, using a stepped approach. In moments of confusion or when feeling overwhelmed, communication models can provide clarity and direction.
One of my favourite communication models is called DEAR, adopted from Dialectical Behavior Therapy. It goes as follows:
D = Describe the situation objectively. Provide some context to what you plan to discuss. For example, if the issue is to do with working overtime, you might say to your manager:
“As you know it’s been a busy time for the company. I’ve been staying back nearly every day for the past month, working late at the office.”
By clearly and objectively stating the facts, without making any accusations, you set the scene for opening the communication dialogue.
E = Express how the situation makes you feel. At this point, you have the opportunity to share your thoughts and feelings with the other person. Using ‘I’ statements, you express your point of view, again avoiding any accusations or becoming defensive about the issue. For example, you might say:
“I’m finding it difficult to work overtime every day, lately I’ve been feeling quite stressed and tired. It’s hard for me to get home late to my family.”
One of the best parts of sharing your feelings is that the person you are talking to can’t deny or argue with them in any way. Your feelings represent your unique perspective on the situation, and therefore are not open to interpretation or challenging, which is incredibly powerful in a conversation.
A = Ask for the change that you want. While sharing your feelings is important, asking for change is empowering! Asserting what you want to change about the situation is probably the most vital step in the communication model, and what you want to be listened to. Again, going back to the example of working overtime, you could say:
“What I would like is to be able to finish at a set time, at least most days of the week. I can be flexible to working overtime now and then, with financial compensation, but I would like your support with having a better work-life balance.”
By clearly stating what you want, while also being open to a reasonable negotiation or compromise, you can allow the possibility for change to happen.
R= Reinforce the change. The last step in the DEAR communication model is to reinforce the request for change you have asked for. The psychological principle of positive reinforcement states that something is more likely to happen when it is associated with a desired outcome or reward.
You can positively reinforce an outcome, such as working less overtime, by rewarding your manager when they listen to your request. For example, you could acknowledge them for respecting your work-life balance, treat them to a coffee or write them a thank you email if they lighten your workload. You can also reinforce your request by gently reminding them when they lapse into overtime requests again.
DEAR is a powerful communication model, because it draws on many of the factors that lead to better communication, listening and understanding. By using clear descriptors, emotional language, assertiveness and positive reinforcement, DEAR will help you talk in a way that people will definitely start to listen.
#2 Use Confident Verbal and Non-Verbal Cues
Communication is so much more than just what we are saying. In fact, the way we say something is often more important than the content of our conversations. Here are some non-verbal cues to keep in mind if you really want people to listen.
Body language: Research has shown that open body language is the most conducive to clear and effective communication. A straight back, open chest and sustained eye-contact are often associated with increased confidence and more persuading communication. Conversely, hunching, avoiding eye-contact or crossing arms can appear off-putting, aggressive or insecure.
A good example of the power of body language is in the Ted Talk on ‘Power Poses’. The theory is that a power pose like a super-hero stance tricks the brain and body into feeling more confident and in control, which in turn can lead to better communication skills.
Tone: Have you noticed that people’s voices become higher when they are unsure about something? If you just read that question in your head, you probably noticed that you used an inflection at the end. Our voices become higher when we are asking questions because we lack certainty.
Inflections are a normal part of everyday conversation, but with overuse, they can suggest that the speaker is confused or insecure about what they are saying. So can ending your sentences with phrases like “do you know what I mean?” “I think” and “but, I’m not sure.”
If you want people to listen to you, then try to avoid these habitual phrases in your conversations. Try a direct and balanced tone, and use statements instead of questions. Because if you aren’t convinced yourself, you won’t be able to convince anyone else
#3 Bring Authentic Value to Conversations
People will listen to someone who has something worthwhile to say. So, if you want to get people to start listening to you, consider how you can add value to a conversation. Maybe you have a unique point-of-view to share, or an interesting experience. Or perhaps you have some knowledge about an important issue. In some cases, you may not have anything to contribute, but you may have a thoughtful question on the issue.
In life, I meet many people who only have slanderous comments or gossip to share, will parrot other people’s ideas and opinions even if they don’t really believe them and may be the loudest voice in the room, without saying anything of interest. I quickly stop listening to these kind of people. They aren’t worth my time, energy and they don’t bring authentic value to conversations.
Whether you are using a good communication model like DEAR, or the best verbal and non-verbal communication strategies, none of it matters if what you are saying is not an authentic reflection of who you are and what you believe in. So, whatever you say, speak authentically, with words of truth, and people will listen to you.
Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.
Eleanor Roosevelt
The Takeaway
Talking in such a way that people will listen is a skill that you can develop. Some good communication strategies, which can be a starting point for getting people to listen to you, are:
1. A clear communication model: express your feelings and assert the change you want
2. Confident verbal and non-verbal cues: transform your body language and moderate your tone
3. Speak words of authentic value: only say things that represent who you are and what you believe in.
By using these communication strategies, not only will people start to listen to you, they will want to keep listening to you. The result will be clear, honest and effective communication, improving your relationships and your overall life.
