How to Compassionately Defuse Negative Thoughts and Be Happy
Making friends with your negative thoughts may be the key to happiness
“Having negative thoughts and feelings means I’m a normal human being.”- Russ Harris
Most of us, in our daily lives, will experience some negative thoughts. There are many causes of negative thoughts including challenging events, personal problems, difficulties in our relationships, and normal ups and downs in our mood and energy levels.
Our negative thoughts can weigh us down, stopping us from experiencing happiness and joy in our lives. This is why it’s important to understand how to deal with negative thoughts.
Getting Rid Of Negative Thoughts Isn’t Easy, Or Possible!
We may try to stop negative thoughts through distractions, like eating or shopping, but these strategies usually provide only brief avoidance and are not effective in the long-term. When we try to stop negative thoughts, usually this only makes them worse.
In psychology, the futile attempt to suppress unwanted thoughts is called ironic process theory also known as the white bear experiment. The theory goes that if I were to tell you to not think about a white bear, almost certainly that would be the only thing that you could think about. If I were repeatedly to tell you to not think about white bears, that would make it even worse! You wouldn’t be able to stop picturing big, white, fluffy polar bears everywhere.
Ironic process theory suggests that the more we try to suppress negative thoughts, the more intense they become and difficult to get rid of. This is why there is absolutely no point trying to block unwanted or negative thoughts.
How to Let Go Of Negative Thoughts and Be Happy
If we can’t get rid of negative thoughts, then our objective should not be to control them, or stop them, but rather to let go of them peacefully. If we want to learn how to let go of negative thoughts, we can use some of the principles of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.
The founder of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy or ACT, Dr Russ Harris, describes how to overcome negative thoughts with the principle of defusion in his book ‘The Happiness Trap.’ He writes;
“Negative thoughts are normal. Don’t fight them; defuse them. Don’t fight your fear: allow it, befriend it and channel it.”
Russ highlights how we are often afraid of our negative thoughts as if they can harm us in some way or ruin our happiness. Or we struggle with our negative thoughts as if they are an enemy to us living a happy life. However, instead of fear and avoidance, Russ suggests that we accept our negative thoughts, befriend them, and then compassionately defuse them.
What Is Compassionate Defusion?
Compassionate defusion involves making space between ourselves and our negative thoughts. When we let go of the negative thoughts, we allow room for the positive thoughts, that will lead us towards feeling happy again.
For example, if you are struggling with a negative thought that you will fail your exam, or about your body weight, practice defusion by making yourself aware of the thought, and then stepping away from it. The key with defusion is to create distance between yourself and the thought.
Here Are Some Quick Strategies to Practice Defusion
Grounding
Look around you and name five things you can see, four things you can feel on your body, three things you can hear, two things you can smell and one thing you can taste. Grounding is an effective way to get out of your head and get back in touch with your environment.
Muscle Relaxation
Tense the muscles in your body, starting from the feet up. Hold your muscle in tension for thirty seconds and then release. Move onto the next muscle group until you have tensed and released your whole body. While you are practicing muscle relaxation, you will be distracted from your negative thoughts and also increasing the relaxation in your body.
Practice Mindfulness
Mindfulness is full awareness of the present moment, including your thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations. This includes awareness of whatever negative or judgmental thoughts you might be experiencing. When you become aware of your negative thoughts, but choose not to engage with them or believe them, then you are also practicing acceptance. Mindfulness is the balance of awareness and acceptance.
Deep Breathing
If your negative thoughts are causing you to spiral and be catastrophic, you may experience a change in your regular breathing- either stopping breathing or over-breathing. Practice some deep breathing by counting your breaths- inhale for six seconds, hold for three seconds, exhale for six seconds. Repeat this breathing cycle ten times and your breath should regulate and your body relax.
Cultivate Your Observing ‘Wise Mind’
When you find yourself getting caught up in negative thoughts, remind yourself that these are just thoughts. Thoughts are not necessarily true or based on reality. In fact, more often than not our thoughts are illogical mash-ups of our brain, based on all sorts of faulty assumptions, mood factors and false beliefs.
So, instead of struggling with the negative thoughts, let them wash over you. Imagine the thoughts in your mind printed on a painting canvas. Like an artist steps back from their painting and observes, step back from the canvas and look at your thought.
When you are in this state of observation, this is called ‘wise mind’, and you are able to realistically and effectively evaluate your thoughts, without getting caught up in the emotions.
Practice Gratitude
Often negative thoughts can bring about a state of depression, where you feel down about yourself, or angry at the state of the world. It’s in these moments that you are in the opposite state to defusion, which is fusion, where your negative thoughts are defining you and how you feel.
In order to defuse, you have to remind yourself of the positive truths in your life. You can do this by pondering what you are grateful for, recalling a happy memory or thinking about something you are positive or hopeful for. Due to the transformative nature of gratitude, you will step out of that negative state of mind and feel more at peace.
Final Thoughts
Training our attention away from negative thoughts and towards positive ones, that make us feel happy, is a little bit like training a muscle. The more we do it, the stronger we become, and the easier it gets.
That’s why, every time a negative thought comes up, we should make friends with it, by:
1. Accepting the thought- there is no point fighting it, because the more we fight, the stronger it will become
2. Using defusion- creating space between ourselves and the thought
3. Coming back to the present moment- through grounding, muscle relaxation, deep breathing and mindfulness
4. Shifting our attention towards gratitude- reminding ourselves of the positive things we have to be thankful for
Through balancing awareness and acceptance, we can learn to make friends with our negative thoughts, and feel happier every day!
