How to Stop Being a People-Pleaser
It all starts with living an authentic, value-directed life.
All of us experience the desire to be liked and accepted. Even though we might pretend that we don’t care what other people think, it feels undeniably good when someone compliments us, laughs at our jokes, or generally seems to approve of us. However, sometimes we can get addicted to that good feeling of being liked. When that addiction begins to dictate our behaviours and relationships, we can easily find ourselves in the trap of people-pleasing.
According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, a people-pleaser is;
a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires
When we fall into the trap of people-pleasing, at work or in our relationships, we struggle to assert our wants and needs, and will often sacrifice what we want for the sake of making someone else happy. As such, people-pleasing leads to a sense of powerlessness in relationships and inauthenticity in our own behaviour. The self that we present to the world isn’t a true reflection of who we actually are and what we actually want.
The opposite of people-pleasing is living an authentic and value-directed life. Here’s how.
How to Stop Being a People-Pleaser at Work
Work environments often bring out our people-pleasing tendencies. When struggling to get ahead in the workplace or climbing the corporate ladder, we may feel pressurised into people-pleasing behaviours. Often, it seems that the only way to “get ahead” in these situations is to appease our managers, take on the extra work load, and avoid confrontational conversations with our colleagues.
When people-pleasing at work, we are making decisions based on what other people want, rather than our own personal values. Rather than prioritising what is important to us, we find ourselves being controlled by feelings like guilt, anxiety and fear. For example, we might feel guilty logging off from work, when our manager is pressuring us to stay overtime. Or we might feel fearful saying no to a work social invitation, in case we annoy our colleagues. In fact, this study showed that guilt will significantly increase compliance (doing what someone else wants) and is a stronger motivator for behaviour than sympathy, social pressure or even the desire to help.
Evidently, guilt and fear are major reasons why we fall into people-pleasing traps, especially in the workplace. But when we are making decisions based on feelings of guilt and fear, we are not making decisions based on what our personal values are.
What is Values-Based Living?
In contrast to making decisions based on what others want is a framework called values-based decision making. Values-based decision making is the process by which we define what our key values are, rank these values in terms of their importance, and then prioritise our top values as guides to how we live.
In the workplace, we can engage in values-based decision making by asking ourselves some honest questions, like, what is more important:
Being an easy-going worker who accepts anything from their manager, or an assertive worker who has boundaries?
Being the kind of person who works overtime to get ahead, or the person who has work-life balance and goes home on time to their family?
Being the popular colleague who has the juiciest gossip, or the more detached colleague who focuses on their work and stays out of the drama?
By evaluating some common people-pleasing values against their alternatives, we are directly confronted with the reality of choice. Ultimately, we are constantly making decisions about who we are in the workplace. The question is whether those decisions are values-based or people-pleasing based.
How to Stop Being a People-Pleaser in Relationships
As a therapist, a common issue I come across with my clients is their difficulty in saying ‘no’.
Being unable to say ‘no’ is usually a sign of someone who lacks assertiveness or struggles with honest communication in relationships. It is also a major sign of being a people-pleaser. To illustrate this difficulty saying ‘no’, I might present my clients a situation, and ask what they would do:
You are feeling very stressed, and have to go to some appointments in the city. Your friend asks you whether you could pick up her dry-cleaning while you are in the city. You know that the dry cleaner is on the other side of the city, and it will already be a stressful and busy day. What do you do?
The answer I usually get to this hypothetical situation is “I would ask her whether I could pick up her dry-cleaning later.”
Often, it doesn’t even cross the minds of my clients to say ‘no’ to their imaginary friend! It seems that the desire to please their friend, by doing this favour, overrides their ability to refuse a request (even one as superfluous as picking up dry-cleaning).
The ability to decline, refuse or point-blank say ‘no’ is an important element of stopping being a people-pleaser in relationships. But often, it is hardest to say ‘no’ to the people that we are closest to. We would rather inconvenience or stress ourselves than potentially annoy, disappoint or hurt our loved ones (read more here).
Practice Assertiveness By Saying ‘No’
‘No’ is a powerful word, and should be used with care and consideration. The reality is that when we refuse someone, it does have an impact on them, and of course on our relationship. But, the ability to say ‘no’ is also a sign of respect and equality in a relationship, especially when ‘no’ is used to demonstrate your personal values.
This study found that in romantic relationships, the ability to assertively say ‘no’ is correlated with higher levels of trust and intimacy. So, when we avoid saying no, or hide what we truly want and feel, we are actually creating barriers in our relationships, rather than building trust.
Going back to the hypothetical situation, I usually help my clients to reflect on what their personal values are, and how to prioritise them. For example, there is the value of balanced mental health, which is being impacted by this stressful situation. There is also the value of time, which is a limited resource, particularly on this busy day. Finally, there is the value of pleasing their friend, by doing this favour. All of these values are important in their own right. However, on balance, it may not be a fair trade to sacrifice two important values (mental health and stress) in exchange for one value (pleasing your friend by helping them).
Of course, these are difficult decisions to make. However, it’s important to reflect whether we are engaging in value-based living, or simply trying to please someone because we are afraid of conflict or tension with them.
So, in summary, to stop being a people-pleaser, you can start by:
1. Reflecting on what your personal values are, and the kind of person you want to be
2. Start making decisions based on those personal values
3. Learn to say ‘no’ and practice putting in good boundaries in relationships
When we start making decisions based on our personal values, rather than what someone else wants, we free ourselves from people-pleasing. Only then can we start living value-directed and authentic lives.
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